With Valentine’s Day sneaking up on us like a clog dancer in Moon Boots, I have decided to pick a memory from my dating vault to hopefully make you feel better about love. Or the fact that we all have had at least one dating version of “I wish I would’ve stayed home to wash my hair.”
This, my friends, is mine.
Back in the days before the internet as we know it, with its colors and distractions, there were the dark ages. And by dark ages, I mean dark screens with unimpressive green characters that stood in for the glorious fonts of today. And here is where we shall begin.
Twenty-five years ago, I went to Ohio State. Gone were the dating rituals of yesteryear–passing notes in high school and hoping beyond hope to get asked out at least once before you graduated. It was the 90’s and a new trend was fast becoming the thing to do in Central Ohio–the online bulletin board or dial up bulletin board systems. We were amazed at this new technology, and equally amazed that we could actually talk to other people through the computer.
I imagine that this is how people felt when fire was discovered, or electric light, or something other than dial up–I digress…on with the tale!!!
Two online bulletin boards popular during that time, were Matchmaker and Central Ohio On Line–COOL for short. All we needed was a dinosaur of a computer–which we used in Baker Systems or Morrison Graduate Tower–and to check out the coveted Procomm floppy from the front desk by providing your Student ID, and it was game on. Today’s internet speeds are positively warp, in comparison to what those IBM machines could promise, but since we went to the computer lab in groups, you could get in a good conversation before everyone turned to their screens to type and chat.
Wanting to avoid the obvious, I chose to do most of my prehistoric social networking on COOL. It was on this BBS, that I found some friends and an actual date. I was young, collegiate and hip, or so I thought, so I decided to schedule an offline meet up with this guy, and went the safe route by insisting on a double date. Goodbye archaic dating norms, hello nerdy girl wonderland!
The date was okay and we all had fun. However, my date was a little bit egotistical and seemed more into his looks than anything. I let this slide and chalked it up to wanting to make a good impression. As the date wound down, I was thinking of the good night kiss–would I, wouldn’t I, peck on the cheek, or more?
Well, that was decided for me.
As I leaned in for a peck on the lips, this dude decided to full on kiss me. Normally, if I really dug the guy this wouldn’t have bothered me, and it wasn’t the fact that he was so eager to kiss me–it was his technique. He was actually chomping on my entire mouth area! This dude was kissing me like Pac-Man and the top of my lip was hurting! He was way too into the first few seconds to even notice that my mouth was closed and my eyes were opened unbelievably wide with shock.
Instead of flipping out, I casually ended the moment of my face becoming a snack, said I had a nice time and maybe we’d go out again. I knew that I wouldn’t, but I had to be tactful enough to get out of the situation for me and definitely for him. Since Random Sagittarian Bluntness knows no bounds when it gets going, I didn’t have much time to keep my composure. Plus I was in need of medical attention, or an ice cube to keep down possible swelling before class.
In conclusion, this is my tale of a date that tanked.
And the knowledge that I would forever be enshrined among the pioneers of the first true wave of bad online dating–floppy disk style.
Happy Valentine’s Day Readers, With Love.