Random Sagittarian Bluntness: Designing My Life.

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Is it impossible not to try to impose your will upon other people? Do we look at people like pages in our personal wish catalog and try to compel them to be attracted to us by the sheer power of our will alone? Do we really take into account their total being as a person and not our designs upon them to make them the coveted prize of our lives? Do we date and hook up for the best reasons or for purely selfish ones? Are we motivated by ego or is there something deeper at work beneath the surface?

Being on the other side of a marriage that didn’t quite work out, and feeling the burn of rebuilding my life into one that satisfies, I have noticed a few things. At this point in life I feel that I have too much to focus on to notice subtle cues and hints that may be love, and find myself lacking the patience to put on my dance shoes. Right now they don’t fit, cramp my style and don’t shine as bright as they used to, but all that is secondary in a world that you don’t care to explain.

I am supposed to be amused by catcalls and jump at dinner requests when each day seems like cereal is on the menu again. It all seems too much work and too much like an interview where I have to dress up and hope I get the assignment.

There comes a day when you could care less about someone else’s dreams and goals when you are laser focused on building your house again from the ground up. When you know all you would do in their presence is stare into space and hope to not say “what” too many times in conversation.

Everyone has a journey that is important to them, but I guess in this day of click if you like ‘em and swipe if you don’t, I have grown tired of small talk and attention spans that are as short as commercials. The kind of love that I want to wrap myself up in, looks longingly, smiles lovingly, and is as true as the sun and moon. When it comes down to it, I am for the first time, so focused on the life that is in front of me—as opposed to the life that stands beside me. So until I am able to give the time that I want in return, I will continue to enjoy my own company.

I love being in charge of my day, quiet mornings with coffee, and not having to answer one question besides the ones that my kid asks me. I can choose dinner and a movie, or choose a day at home. I can have a crazy evening with my best girlfriends who understand who I am and love me anyway. I guess I am in love with being single in my own way. It is a freedom I am not quick about giving up, and I guess with the right soul mate I wouldn’t have to.

Well meaning people tell you their hopes for your life as you stand in the middle of a house on fire, trying to smile and offer them tea. At some point you think, this is more work than I care to add to my plate, shut what remains of the door and enjoy your own show.


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