Butt Lifting My Way to Bliss

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Maintaining or achieving bodily health is a great way to help with spiritual well-being. All those endorphins create an overall good feeling throughout the day, which makes it easier to forgive the idiots of the world. If you don’t feel like you currently have much in the way of physical fitness, as was the case with me post-divorce, try embarking on a new workout routine.

To lose those extra fifteen pounds that were stuck on me like white on rice, I ordered the Brazil Butt Lift DVDs. Leonardo the Butt Lift Guru made it all look so fun and danceable on the infomercial, and the lady with the Eastern European saggy butt like mine swore that her “after” picture was really her own high, tight behind, and not photoshopped.

I stared in awe at the TV as I ate my hot fudge sundae and listened to testimonial after testimonial. Maybe, I thought, just maybe I too can have an ass like a supermodel. I turned to the Victoria Secret catalogue laying on my nightstand and told the cover girl that her days were numbered.

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Once the DVDs arrived, they suggested I weigh myself and take my measurements. (Chest -36”!). You don’t get to know the arm, thigh, waist, or hip stats because they were all way too similar to that first one, save the hips. The hips needed their own zip code.

So I, who’d already lost about twelve pounds over the previous year and was reasonably happy with my elliptical workouts routine of 30 minutes a day, three times a week, went into the first day of Brazil butt lifting with an arrogance only the truly naïve can possess.

Being a spiritual blogger, many people ask how one knows there is a God. I will tell you that I know there is a God because fourteen minutes and nine seconds into the Bum Bum workout (pronounced ‘boom boom’ for all you who prefer not to torture yourself with infomercial exercises) my DVD froze up and stopped, thus saving me from certain death by asphyxiation.

I collapsed to the floor and thanked God, telling Her the entire crawl to the DVD player how much I loved Her. She responded to my show of admiration by freezing the thing again two minutes later. Hallelujah, I thought, I’m a believer, I’m a believer.

How did all this booty lift nonsense help with my enlightenment? Well, after discovering that first day how abysmally unfit I was, I literally prayed my way through the workouts. I prayed for the DVDs to freeze again, I prayed for one of the fitness models to turn to Leonardo, slap him upside the head, and demand a water break, I prayed to Buddha to keep my back  and hips from going out (“You understand, Buddha, you were fat too. Please just keep everything in its’ correct socket”, went my entreaties). Mostly, though, I prayed to look up and see the countdown clock at 0:00. God and I were like two peas in a pod.

Even though my workout prayers weren’t always kind and were definitely very self-serving, just the act of challenging my body in ways that caused discomfort reminded me to give some time to the ones who watch over us.

I never did lose that 15 pounds of fat, but I now like to say that it covers a much more toned physique – and a more indomitable spirit, one that refuses to let my workout fails define me, but instead to further refine me.

-Kirstie Ganobsik


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