Who Are You, Really?

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Every woman has a sassiness that is worth exploring. The problem is that we have been made to feel that being subservient is the way to be. How can you be enlightened if you think you are born to grovel? This goes for both sexes, but you see this kind of behavior displayed more prominently in the female sex.

We are taught to study on why we are not enough, have to battle each other for sometimes really shoddy real estate that isn’t real or much of an estate to lay claim to. We must learn to be acrobatic super chefs that kiss by the book as if a few salacious pages have been ripped out and tucked away for safe keeping. In the middle of this storm we must be feminine and polite and understanding while drowning in a mess of innuendo and double-dealing.

We are taught to be both wild enough to tame and tame enough to shut up when we are told to, even when it isn’t in our best interests.  We are taught to put our dreams in a box and follow some cookie-cutter representation of who the world expects us to be—even though it fits like two wrong shoes on the wrong feet running down the wrong street.

We are taught to cry just enough to be beautiful, get angry enough to be sexy and to fear everything.

We are taught to stifle our biggest imaginings so they are just small enough to hide our light from the world.

We are taught to give all of ourselves away and then feel guilty if we long for the pleasure of just being ourselves.

We are taught that our bodies are wrong unless they fit a certain mold and our faces aren’t worth looking upon if they aren’t painted correctly.

And we are taught to deny ourselves all expressions that get us closer to the bright light of the spiritual sun that lives within us all.

What are you waiting for? If you are waiting for someone else to tell you to dance like no one is watching, you’ll never dance. Quit looking for the safe bet and destroying yourselves in the process of trying to become anything other than your authentic self.

I did this, I did all of it and it nearly killed me. And at the end of the line I looked myself in the mirror and asked myself: what is it that I love? What did I want to do, like to do, get joy supreme just thinking about? And I drew a big bold blank. It was then that I panicked and decided to change things up.

What was I hiding by not being me? Strength that would carry me through the tough times by being sure of myself.  Talents that I was afraid to share but brought me joy in younger days.

I had put myself out to pasture for various reasons and none of them were logical ones.  And then 2014 came and laid waste to my mind in ways that I couldn’t comprehend. I was standing still because my pain had grown too great to bear and even think about on a day-to-day basis. This situation quickly morphed into change or die from inertia; become a shooting star or spontaneously combust.

It is then when I decided to dissect everything, from my behavior to how I interacted with people. I deepened my spiritual study, began to do more things that I loved to do and really searched self to see what I was doing that no longer served me. I looked at ways that I had exacerbated problems instead of remedying them and looked at how it was more important to me to take care of other’s feelings to a fault than to guard my own heart.

I am in the second phase of clearing the corners and actively working on getting back to my authentic self. At first it felt like a tornado laying waste to every comfort zone I had; yet it had to be done. Growth doesn’t happen in stagnation.

So here’s my advice from the trenches: start by picking a time in your life when you felt free in speech, love, life, etc. If you’ve never felt that way, now would be a good time to start. Draw up the blueprints that will help you construct your perfect life. How would you dress if you didn’t care what people thought? How would your hair look? Would you get that tattoo you have been wanting for years? Would you take that painting class? Would you learn an instrument, speak a new language, travel, play a sport, or run a marathon?

Forget impressing everyone else. It’s time that you took yourself on a date.  And make it the longest and most enjoyable date you’ve ever had. It is time to fall in love with yourself—not in a vain way—but if you don’t know down to the last chocolate chip what kind of ice cream makes your soul sing, you’ve got work to do.  If you don’t know exactly what songs make you feel invincible, you’ve got work to do.

You’ve got work to do. Or shall we call it fun?

Commit to it and pour your entire self into it and see what happens.

Change is a good thing when it does good things. So please yourself. Your soul will thank you.

-Trina Noelle

Share the joy

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