Jesus in Roll Form

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If you haven’t yet reached a “final blessed state marked by the absence of …suffering” as Webster’s defines enlightenment, there is a terrific invention that can help you stay centered along your journey. I discovered its powers after a purchase of some Pilates DVDs that were supposed to help bring balance into my life by making me “burn fat and tone all at once”.

What they actually made me was more stressed out than ever. This was because the door attachment for the toning bar thingy kept flying off and hitting me in the face.

After a few go-arounds, a novel concept hit me: I should read the directions. But after doing just that, I realized they were totally lying to me. I had already attached the bar thingy to the door just as they said, to no avail.

On top of all this, I couldn’t get the DVD player to go back just a little bit – not all the way to the beginning – but just back to the point where I got whacked in the face with the Pilates bar. Hence, I had to start the workout over 3 times.

As my frustration mounted, I began musing about how much I missed VCRs. This was why old people get fat – too much new-fangled technology to muddle through. As the whiny voice in my head reached its zenith, I saw a shiny silver reflection out of the corner of my eye.

It was a roll of duct tape beckoning to me like a prophet of old.

Using it to rig up the Pilates equipment worked like a charm. I got through the entire workout, and the bar thingy didn’t even think about moving from the door handle. But the real surprise came when I shared my experience with friends. Their own stories of duct tape heroism came rolling out of them like they were testifying at an Old Time Revival:

  • One girlfriend once got stuck with her kid at a friend’s house during a snowstorm, only to discover that her husband had failed to refill the diaper bag. She immediately started having very un-enlightened thoughts about him. Then her friend made a suggestion: duct tape and paper towels, a great make-shift diaper. The love is still flowing between Devan and hubby.
  • Another friend of mine had been putting every cent of his hard-earned paycheck towards paying off credit card debt for the last 5 years. Hence, he couldn’t afford new bedroom furniture when he broke his headboard while “getting to know” his current boyfriend. Luckily, some duct tape magic allowed for future “learning sessions” to take place until the credit cards were paid off.
  • Duct tape has, of course, been used for years to hold up people’s otherwise dragging bumpers on their cars. However, a friend recently schooled me that you can now drive a POS car and no one who is a certain distance away from you need know it because, you guessed it, they make duct tape color-coordinated to match most major car colors. Genius.
  • I watched the movie Apollo 13, but never realized until they ran the “When We Left Earth: The NASA Missions” series on the Science channel that when mission control had to design the adapter for the critical command module CO2 scrubbers – you know, the ones with the square fittings that needed to be made compatible with the round scrubbers found in the lunar module – they used cardboard, a sock, and, oh yes, duct tape. That bad boy kept our astronauts alive and kicking long enough to re-enter Earth’s atmosphere.

So you see, if you want to make it easier on yourself to approach life with a forgiving, stress-free attitude, get yourself some duct tape. I now carry a roll around with me religiously. It’s  like having Jesus in my handbag.

-Kirstie Ganobsik


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2 thoughts to “Jesus in Roll Form”

  1. Ducktape is easily one of the best inventions of this age (or any age!). I just used some yesterday to “fix” my car radio and while I don’t carry a roll around with me always, I definitely should!

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